'Jeepers Creepers' fails miserably as horror

Julien R. Fielding

Although Victor Salva is listed as the writer of the teen horror film "Jeepers Creepers," credits should be given where they are due - on those whose ideas he blatantly plagiarized: Stephen King, Kevin Williamson, Clive Barker, James Wong and Glen Morgan, and Silvio Horta.

Trish (Gina Philips) and younger brother Darius (Justin Long) take the long, scenic country road - because that's what you do in horror films - back from college; exchange insults and play "who can decipher the license plate" along the way.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a faceless, maniac driver comes up from behind them and nearly runs them off the road. His license plate reads, the forewarning - BEATNGU.

The siblings continue along, a little more shaken and slightly more stirred, until they pass an old church, where they witness a tall figure, dressed in a wide-brimmed hat and a full-length riding coat, dumping blood-stained, sheet-shrouded bodies down a drain pipe.

Horrified by what they've seen, they try to get away, but the super-turbo truck races up from behind again and this time forces them off the road.

Darius decides it's time to investigate.

Trish reluctantly lowers her brother into the drain before losing her grip, thanks to some rats. When the teen comes to in the pit, he is faced with something out of a nightmare. He has entered the "House of Pain." The situation only gets worse as the "demon, devil, hungry thing from some place or time" begins hunting him down.

Salva, who serves as a cinematic seamstress, stitches together a menacing truck from "Maximum Overdrive," a silhouetted killer from "I Know What You Did Last Summer," a metamorphasizing demon from "Night Breed," a creepy flesh-eating aberration from the "Eugene Tombs" episode of "The X-Files" and an admonishment for teens from "Urban Legend."

Unfortunately, the writer demonstrates less imagination when filling in the gaps, thus leaving viewers with more questions than answers. Such as, why would a flesh-eating monster select a 1930s love song for his search-and-destroy theme? "Jeepers Creepers where'd you get those peepers" hardly inspires goosebumps. And where did he get that old Victrola and collection of 78s?

There are many, many more questions but I wouldn't want to ruin this incomprehensible, rarely scary, less than gore-filled waste of time for you.

(Let me put it this way, my Metropolitan Utilities District bill last winter terrified and shocked me more.)

The acting is marginally better than the script. With long hair and slurring, monotone voice, Philips resembles a much younger Laura San Giacomo. You might recognize her from a number of TV specials and episodes of "Ally McBeal." Or you might not.

Long, of "Ed" fame, is less convincing, having picked up his acting skills from the "wide-eyed, open-mouth" academy of B-movie schlock.

Eileen Brennan, who I thought was dead, turns up as a hatchet-faced, rural resident with more cats than sense. Beware the scarecrow.

And Patricia Belcher, who plays Jezelle Gay Hartman, a woman psychically linked with the Creeper, gives her part about as much edge as a well-used pie slicer.

The only notable element of "Jeepers" is sound editor Angelo Palazzo, who won a best sound editing award from the Motion Picture Sound Editors of U.S.A. for his contribution to "U-571."

The opening sequence, during which the character's voices get more audible the closer the car gets to the screen, demonstrates his prowess.

And he gives the Creeper additional menace through growls and whistles. Even the well-used crows become more menacing thanks to Palazzo.

As for Salva, his only partially passable work has been the 1995 film "Powder," a story about an albino boy with special powers. However, that was more because of Jeff Goldblum and Sean Patrick Flanery's acting.

The sad thing about "Jeepers" is that for the first 15 minutes, when it was mostly about "being chased by the serial killer and stumbling into its lair," the film actually showed some promise.

Unfortunately, like so many horror writers, Salva realized this couldn't sustain this for another 1 hour and 15 minutes, so he changed direction into tricky Barker territory - a place few can handle.

Horror is a difficult genre to construct. Too bad so few writers comprehend that.

'Jeepers Creepers' fails miserably as horror was originally published in The Daily Nonpareil on 6 September, 2001. © Council Bluffs Daily Nonpareil LLC